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| I hate when old memories flood your mind, especially during the times that you are the most vulnerable. There are decisions in life that we have to make for ourselves even if the out come isn't what we want. I have a pretty big heart with a strong soul and can deal with a lot of mistreatment. When I finally found my voice a few years ago I made a choice that was one of the hardest of my life. I had to stand up to a friend who was abusing our friendship, to this day I don't regret it but I do regret the lost friendship. Its ridiculous that I still feel the empty spot our falling out left. I wish that this certain friend had looked inside herself and realized what the mature decision would be, instead I endured torture from she and her friends. Still after all the hurt caused, I miss my old friend. I doubt that she would be the same person I enjoyed spending time with. Its sad to think that a person can change in an instant and be lost forever. There have honestly been times where I've tried talking to her but she seems so changed and different, almost a false person. I guess I'm not the only person who has noticed it. There are several others who have known her quite awhile and who are even still acquaintances with her. No one really understands why she puts on such a fake persona. Maybe she uses the persona so no one will judge the real her, maybe she just wants to attract the kind of people that she acts like. Not only was I close with her but with her family as well. It's been years since I've talked to any of them. I honestly look back on the time I spent with she and her family and can say it was the best part of my teen years. I hope someday, she finds her true self and lets the mask fall and becomes the true person underneath. When she does, I hope she'll remember the times we spent together and we can regain what we've lost....
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| So school started up again..can't say that I really have missed it too much..I'm taking some pretty easy classes this term, although that may be a bad thing since my mind needs to be challenged or my attention span fails.. I honestly can't wait to be done at swocc so I can move on to bigger things..like another couple years of school..woo...-.-...I bumped into someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in 2 years, it was good to see her again and catch up a little...At the same time it was awkward because of how the friendship ended...From the things she said I could tell she was sorry she'd been wrapped up in the high school rumors and drama... I've been riding my horse lately and she's doing great..It's been fun to see her progress to the point shes at now. Flea is a lot bigger now, 9lbs! lol..I don't know what I'd do without her now...She and I have bonded and she's helped fill the void i had from my other dog that was put down this past august. Anyway...enough rambling for today..
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| I think feeling like you aren't wanted and have no one is probably the worst feeling ever. I don't get how one person can be blamed for so many stupid, petty, and ridiculous problems....I've had enough of the same old shit, I can't just sit here and take that anymore.....but apparently I ruined everything today by sticking up for myself..Just like I've ruined my mothers life by turning out to be the person that I am...Many people don't understand me, or see the real person that I am...I have so much compassion for others it's not even funny, I would take a bullet or give up my own life, no questions asked, for a complete stranger...I try to be as kind and nice to everyone....honestly for me it's hard to be mean or even stern with people...I'm extremely shy and with a lot of people it takes me awhile to break out of my shell...Some don't stick around long enough to know that... Honestly, I am one of the most loyal and passionate people..I would stick by any of my friends through anything, and even hold their hair when they get sick lol..I really can't fathom how I turned out to differ so greatly from the people that raised me....I try every day to forgive and forget , but it's so hard to when you are stuck with the monsters that lived in your closet and tortured you physically and mentally, for so many years....So I guess as I'm sitting here, stuck in this hell hole (my car broke down) I can be thankful my spirit hasn't been broken..
I just wish someone would see the real me
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| ME! Cuz I rox. ;p
So today I decided I'd take a gamble and go to Florence with my mom....We didn't even make it that far lol We stopped in Winchester bay and had lunch at an awesome Thai restaurant. It was a lunch filled with a lot of catching up because so often she and I are fighting. It was nice to just have some down time to talk, instead of yelling. I ended up following her around a few stores back in coos bay. When we got home my dogs greeted me...no matter what the day has been like my dogs are always happy to see me. My little girl wouldn't let me out of her sight for about an hour, and even then she kept coming back to make sure I was here. She's so cute when she's excited, she puts her ears flat against her head and her little nub of a tail goes a million miles per hour. Its too cute. My horse camillia is under saddle and I'm going to ride her a little later on tonight (its exciting to me!). Pretty soon she'll be done with training, that should be interesting.
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| The Night-Wind Emily Bronte
In summer's mellow midnight,
A cloudless moon shone through
Our open parlor window
And rosetrees wet with dew.
I sat in silent musing,
The soft wind waved my hair:
It old me Heaven was glorious,
And sleeping Earth was fair.
I needed not its breathing
To bring such thoughts to me,
But still it whispered lowly,
"How dark the woods will be!
"The thick leaves in my murmur
Are rustling like a dream,
And all their myriad voices
Instinct with spirit seem."
I said, "Go,gentle singer,
Thy wooing voice is kind,
But do not think its music
Has power to reach my mind.
"Play with the scented flower,
The young tree's supple bough,
And leave my human feelings
In their own course to flow."
The wanderer would not leave me;
Its kiss grew warmer still-
"O come," it sighed so sweetly,
"I'll win thee 'gainst thy will.
"Have we not been from childhood friends?
Have I not loved thee long?
As long as thou hast loved the night
Whose silence wakes my song.
"And when thy heart is laid at rest
Beneath the church-yard stone
I shall have time enough to mourn
And thou to be alone."
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